It’s been 5 days since I had a massive meltdown. So far, this moment has been the longest that I have sat in front of my workstation. I have been avoiding this for days. It’s not because the doctor told me to temporarily stay away from anything work-related but solely because it has been triggering mini-meltdowns – panic.
I know I have been off meds for the last two years. I thought I really was okay despite all the craziness of this pandemic. I have been doing things to help manage my condition but sadly, I was mistaken. I should have sought from the get-go. I should not have waited for me to snap in public.
In the last few days, I came to realize that it’s not the money nor the need to keep a stable job that is important. What’s important is to make sure you have people to remind you about who you are. That you’re human. It’s okay to fall sometimes, but with every fall, find a way to gather the pieces and be a stronger, better person.
Speaking of being strong, I really wasn’t aware that I am that. If it wasn’t for a friend whom I thought was the ultimate alpha female telling me that she admires how I was able to move on with life despite what I have gone through, I will not know at all. She saw me as a strong person while all my life, I thought I was a weak, insecure being. Ironic, right? But come to think about it, she was right. I should be thankful I am still around to tell my story of survival.
I know right now that I am not yet 100% okay. I may be calm but I there’s still a possibility of relapse. But hey, it’s part of the journey. I’m still fighting and God knows that. I just want to live.
random thoughts... 