The Story of Survival Continues…

It’s been 5 days since I had a massive meltdown. So far, this moment has been the longest that I have sat in front of my workstation. I have been avoiding this for days. It’s not because the doctor told me to temporarily stay away from anything work-related but solely because it has been triggering mini-meltdowns – panic.

I know I have been off meds for the last two years. I thought I really was okay despite all the craziness of this pandemic. I have been doing things to help manage my condition but sadly, I was mistaken. I should have sought from the get-go. I should not have waited for me to snap in public.

In the last few days, I came to realize that it’s not the money nor the need to keep a stable job that is important. What’s important is to make sure you have people to remind you about who you are. That you’re human. It’s okay to fall sometimes, but with every fall, find a way to gather the pieces and be a stronger, better person.

Speaking of being strong, I really wasn’t aware that I am that. If it wasn’t for a friend whom I thought was the ultimate alpha female telling me that she admires how I was able to move on with life despite what I have gone through, I will not know at all. She saw me as a strong person while all my life, I thought I was a weak, insecure being. Ironic, right? But come to think about it, she was right. I should be thankful I am still around to tell my story of survival.

I know right now that I am not yet 100% okay. I may be calm but I there’s still a possibility of relapse. But hey, it’s part of the journey. I’m still fighting and God knows that. I just want to live.

Of eccentricities and misconceptions

Tomorrow is day one of Customer Service Week in the office and for some reason, I really don’t get why they have to come up with the so-called “theme day” and much to my surprise, they called it Rockstar Monday. I know, eyes, heads and whatever body parts have already rolled when it was first announced. I am no expert to lecture you about rock music but I really have this very bad feeling that there are those people whose only idea of rock musicians are tied to chains, leather catsuits, leather boots, black or bloody red lip color, and thick eyeliners to the point of looking like an Edward Cullen on drug overdose but could not even figure out if the music they get to hear once in a while is considered rock or not.

Some time ago, my team did something similar but they did not expect that I would some how do the part. Well, thanks to a friend who happen to be in a metal band who, like me, has some fetish for the goth and occult stuff, I, at some point, made a decent one. Fast forward now, every one is expecting that I would dress to the nines for this. Sorry to burst your bubble but I am not going to do that for a one-time affair.

Now that I have more time being by myself, I simply took this liberty of being more expressive and dressing up as I wanted – no pretensions – I’m comfortable in them so don’t fuss about it. I don’t need to explain myself if you see me wearing ripped jeans and boots. Also, I am no poser. Rock music is half of my preferences – leaning more into alternative, some hardcore and other sub-genres and been dying to get into seeing another band in concert.

As for the other half of my preferences, they’re a mix of religious songs, world and classical music, even The Corrs. That’s the eccentric part of me. It all depends on the mood and special thanks to Spotify that satisfies my fix for each moment since CDs seem to become more obsolete each day.

Love isn’t for Valentine’s Day only

It’s no doubt that I’m a big fan of Bo Sanchez and one of the best topics he has touched on is about finding the so-called one true love. He has even wrote a book about it. Why? Because he wants to help build strong families and the best way to do so is to start from the beginning. He wants to help single men and women to choose well in finding a suitable partner.

In an episode of Preacher in Blue Jeans way back in December of 2006, he shared his thoughts about finding a suitable partner to a bunch of young, single people and although Valentine’s Day is over, I think the subject in itself is not bound by any occasion. Here are my notes as I watched and listened to him (If you join KerygmaFamily.com, then, you’ll have the chance to fully access the episode or even download an mp3 version of it.):

1. Take responsibility for your future. Do not leave that to chance/fate. Do not over-spiritualize. Do not give to God the responsibility that he gave you in the first place. Options are limited.

For example,  a woman sits on the sofa doing nothing/watching TV yet prays for a husband. Chances are she will be limited to 4 persons: the electricity bill collector, the phone bill collector, the mailman and the pizza delivery boy. But that same person will go great lengths in buying a pair of shoes.

Many times we choose our shoes with greater care and scrutiny than we choose our husband or wife.

2. Single men and women want to get married but their schedules are bound by routine. Most of them go to work and afterwards, head straight home although occasionally have time for prayer meetings or church but nothing goes beyond.

When these people are at home, oftentimes, they watch TV and in between commercial breaks, raid the refridgerator and eat, then back to the TV again. The thing is, the area between the TV and the ref, there are very few potential husbands (or wives) in that area.

CIRCULATE.

The problem is, if that same woman sitting in the sofa, not leaving the house, praying, “Lord, give me a husband,” and meets someone, she will immediately get the opportunity to get into a relationship with that man thinking he is the one God had chosen for her. However, in instances like finding out that this man turned out to be a violent bum or an abusive person, that woman would tend to think that she is destined to evangelize or change that person through her love. THAT’S SUICIDE.

THE MOST MISERABLE CREATURES ON PLANET EARTH = MARRIED PEOPLE WHO MARRIED THE WRONG PERSON

If you marry a violent person, or an alcoholic, or a gambler, a philanderer, an unfaithful person, it will only magnify what is already there. A wedding does not change anyone. It magnifies the weakness of the person because it’s adding to the responsibility.

USE YOUR MIND. USE YOUR INTELLECT. USE YOUR ELDERS. USE YOUR GROUP LEADERS. DO NOT JUST TRUST YOUR OWN JUDGMENT. GET A TEAM OF PEOPLE WHO WILL JOIN YOU IN PRAYING THAT YOU EACH FIND YOUR RIGHT PARTNER AS WELL AS BE EACH OTHER’S FEEDBACK.

3. CAN WOMEN MAKE THE FIRST STEP? – IF YOU CAN AVOID IT, AVOID IT FOR MEN GENETICALLY ARE CREATURES THAT LOVE TO HUNT. Men like to hunt since cavetimes.

If a single woman approaches a man and says, “I like you”, he will be flattered that somebody likes him. But study his eyes and his eyes are wandering, looking for prey beneath the bushes because it came too easy, he did not hunt. However, most men are coward hunters. Most men are afraid of rejection.

Women, learn the skill of giving him the look: “Just maybe…should you decide to pursue me, you may achieve great success.”

Remain mysterious for the guy if you want them to be attracted to you.

4. MEN, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WHOLE COURTSHIP PROCESS.

Men, if you want the women to be attracted to you, do the hunting, be agressive, be assertive, find out what you want and go for it.

If a woman rejects you, be a man and keep at it. For how long, it’s up to you. If she’s already engaged, give up. If you see someone close to her, give up. However, if she parts ways with the other guy, then pursue. But don’t be a pest.

Well, I hope you learned a thing or two here. Honestly, that video/talk helped me a lot as far as my love life is concerned.

Lin-ked In

Ever since Michael Jordan retired, the National Basketball Association or the NBA had already lost it’s appeal on me although a couple of years ago, an in-office betting for the season finals between LA Lakers and the Boston Celtics managed to amuse me. But still, it didn’t make me jump back in the same religious following as I did when His Airness headlined the 90’s Chicago Bulls.

Fast forward into the present, I came across a Yahoo article about this Asian American guy suddenly making waves in a sport that I used to love watching with my dad when I was a kid – basketball. Yes, there was Yao Ming, he’s Asian but his towering height alone can really turn heads and one can immediately get the idea that he’s talented on court plus the fact that he is a product of pro-basketball player parents. But this dude, Jeremy Lin is different.

He wasn’t even drafted after graduating from Harvard (yes, he is a graduate of this Ivy League school and has a degree in Economics) and he just came from being waived twice by Golden State Warriors and Houston Rockets (ouch!).

This man is practically unknown to the world prior to February 4, 2012 when he was called by New York Knicks’ Coach DiAntoni  to fill in the void vacated by injured superstar Carmelo Anthony and grieving Amar’e Stoudamire who had lost a brother in a car accident. He was supposedly a bench warmer in the game against the New Jersey Nets but who would have thought that this man will simply whip up 25 points, 5 rebounds, and 7 assists in his debut game.

And the feat was repeated for another two games, one against the Washington Wizards, and the other with Utah Jazz, all in double digit scores. Some say he was a fluke but with his latest outing against the anointed heir to His Airness’ throne, Kobe Bryant and his Los Angeles Lakers, well he seemed to be the real deal by scoring 38 points.

J-Lin, where have you been all this time? You now got me Lin-ked in to NBA again!

WARNING TO ALL PINOY CALL CENTER PEEPS: RAGE INDUCING

I was about to go to sleep when I spotted this link posted by an friend on FB who’s still circulating in the call center/BPO industry in the Philippines:

Since I’ve made some rounds in some call centers, yes, I admit, I’ve had bad moments in dealing with customers, especially irate ones but, I NEVER DID SUCH A THING LIKE HE DOES ON THE VIDEO. It’s not that I’m bragging but every call/email/chat conversation that I had while I was with these BPOs, I made it a point that I don’t make buffoons/idiots out of my customers. Why? Because I also think of what will be the general impression of these foreign customers about us, Filipinos. The Indians have already made an impression, and boy, sad to say, their unique accent has become a bane to general customers who contact customer service lines. So far, it’s either a native English-speaking agent or a Filipino with a flexible tongue that they want to speak to them on the line.

If this dude wants some attention, he should have joined a reality show instead. That’s almost positive notoriety plus the money that comes with it. Hate to say this, but I’m sure his act would inevitably backfire. I don’t think call centers/BPOs would seriously hire/sign him in the same fashion as that of Justin Bieber and Charice Pempengco who won fame and wealth just through a simple YouTube upload. Sorry, but such act won’t work wonders for you. Yes, you will be well-known but it will, most likely, result in a mass  blacklist of you in all the other companies you haven’t applied to and job loss to you.

Let’s put it this way, if I’m the HR manager who happen to saw this clip and your Facebook page in which you’re bragging about it, then lo and behold, you are applying to me as a rep, this is what I’d think, “If you’ve managed to do it in you’re previous company, I wouldn’t be surprised if you do it again to us. I’d rather send you away than lose business with you around.”

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PS: the original video was set to private mode by the original uploader but somebody managed to extract it beforehand and it is still very active….

Battling your own worst enemy – YOURSELF

It’s been a long time since I last posted here. Time to spill the beans, again. For the nth time, I have been dealing with a very difficult enemy – myself. Early this year, I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a condition some of you might know as manic-depressive disorder, characterized by sudden extreme mood swings or mixed states. One moment, I can be on a hyper/manic state wherein my brains works non-stop, sleepless but literally out of focus. Or I can be suddenly depressed for no apparent reason at all.

One classic episode of this happened just last week where my folks and I went to the mall for some shopping. On the way, I was giddy and excited, thinking of what to buy. When we got to the mall, my mood turned sour – I suddenly felt like crying and simply want to get out of the place as soon as possible. My folks are asking me what’s wrong but even I myself couldn’t explain it.

Yes, mood swings are normal but swinging from one extreme mood to another extreme is not. For some people I know, they tend to assume that my case is just a drama queen act. Others say I’m just plain weird or simply being affected by the drama on TV and the movies. FYI, I seldom watch heavy drama series nor watch tearjerker flicks.

This bipolar condition may either be genetic or environmentally-caused according to experts but for my situation, I’d rather keep the real reason why I ended up in this state between me and my doctor. Sadly, there really is no cure for this, just management by either prescribed medicines or psychotherapy or counselling and diagnosis is not as quick as knowing that you have a fever by a sudden rise in body temperature.

When I met my shrink who’s also a friend of mine, here are the things that she noticed on me that confirmed her suspicion:

• I hardly stay on a job. The longest is a year and a half. Always on the look out.
• If I’m on hyper, a lot of ideas come out of my mind but could not make a definite decision or conclusion thus making me sleepless. In short, out of focus and a point comes wherein I simply stare blank and at a loss.
• If I’m on a depressed state, eating is a love-hate thing; sleeping will either be too much or no sleep at all; too quiet to the extent that it will either creep you out or annoy you to death and my artworks will scream death, escape and contemplating suicide – a bad and dangerous sign.

As of this writing, I may be in my normal state. I can write again. But notice the date between my last post and this. That period in between is basically a struggle. Although writer’s bloc is normal for writers, having it and wishing that you disappear from the face of the earth in a snap is not normal.

Thank God for my family and friends who are doing their best to make me sane all this time although they find it a struggle to really understand me. To my doctor, sorry for not seeing you that much. To whoever reads this and experiences some of this things like I do for a long time already, please, see a doctor and get a support group like your family or friends. We need all the help that we can to be normal, happy people, again.

It’s Sumo Paint!

For months, I’ve been scouring for some freeware program/application to support my interest in doing digital painting/arts since I am not that satisfied with the limited tools from my old Photoshop 7.0. I tried cracked versions of the latest Photoshop editions but was never lucky enough with guessing the right product key, aside from the nagging guilt feeling of doing something illegal although a lot of people are doing it (Adobe.com, don’t worry, I won’t steal from you.).

Lo and behold, thank you to the makers of Angry Birds who decided to make an app for Google Chrome (yes, apps are no longer limited to smartphones and tablets), I came across the Chrome Webstore that provided you with something for games, utilities and whatever imagineable that you think you can download from the Android Marketplace.

While exploring it’s menagerie of downloadable applications, I typed-searched out of a whim the word draw and painting and a quirky icon of a sumo wrestler’s head with the tongue out caught my fancy out of 12 that showed up in the top results. 

After reading a bunch of good reviews about Sumo Paint as an image editor, I decided to download it and launched it right away.

So far, I have no complaints on this one. I was able to attempt 3 tries and manages to keep into my expectations, especially with the brush tools.

This is my 1st attempt using "oil brush" tools to give it an oil paint feel.

I also saw a symmetry tool that gives your doodle an instant 6-or-so symmetrical lines that move as you move your mouse (yup, mouse only…no special pens). Here is my first try with it by choosing to bevel  in order to get the 3D feel.

optical illusion 1

My latest try was to finally mix a variety of brushes, from my favorite oil brush, down to 3B brushes and shapes.

Winter Landscape

Over-all, Sumo Paint is a good alternative to Adobe Photoshop, however, the only thing I don’t like about this one is that you can only work with it online and upon checking Sumopaint.com, upgrading to the Pro version with offline capabilities will set you back at €19 or roughly Php1,124.31 as of latest conversion. Still, for novice digital artists like me, well, this is thing to begin with before jumping onto the bigger and more complicated image editing software.

Sometimes…It is Okay to Give Up

“MERALCO ka lang, hindi ka NAPOCOR…kable ka lang sa poste ng kuryente..”                                                            —  Bo Sanchez on “How to Love Difficult People”

Those words have been my life mantra in the last 2 years alongside serious contemplation of whether to let go of someone that had been a part of my life yet had been too hard to handle. Many people have been asking me if lay Catholic preacher, Bo Sanchez did really say those words and what he meant by that. My answer is yes and you won’t be able to hear where and when exactly did he say them unless you join his Kerygma Family online community. But for the benefit of non-members, I’ll give a short explanation in the best way I can.

Difficult people. I bet everyone of us has their own share of them. They can be the most demanding and nagging persons, or they tend to blame everything to you or criticize your every move with the foulest mouths, or somebody ungrateful to what you’ve done or somebody utterly stubborn or anyone who do cringe-inducing things that makes them a pain in the neck.

But why love these people? Well, it’s a commandment: Love your neighbor – even if they are really more worthy of our loathing. Tough isn’t it? But these guys desperately need the love and attention of people willing to listen and understand why they are like that. Also, consider them as blessings too. Because God will not give them to you if He doesn’t have a plan for you. 

Say for instance, your demanding boss who have been nagging you here and there is actually a way for you to improve your patience meter or a means for you to quit your job so that you may be able to look for greener pastures. Another example could be like a female friend keeps on calling you at night because she is depressed about her bad break up from her boyfriend. Although you hate your sleep being interrupted, your sparing of some time just to talk to her is actually helping her release the pain and stopping her from doing or even thinking about doing bad things like committing suicide.

However, if in situations that you have already exhausted all the means to help or show your love that difficult person and the response is not equated or surpassed by what you have done, this is the time we back-out and give up so that other people may be able to help him/her. You have done your part, you can only do so much. Remember that they are blessings from God and let Him decide who should receive them next. As for you, allow God to recharge your energies.

In short, as the National Power Corporation (NAPOCOR) provides the electricity that the Manila Electric Company (MERALCO) distributes in Metro Manila and surrounding provinces, God, on the other hand, is the key source of our love and strength and we are his distributors of that same love and strength to the people who needed them most.

Welga here…welga there…

If there is one thing that I love about my current status was that I won’t have to take up public transport just to work. However, back in the days, I used to be caught by the traffic snarl that hound my mornings and worse, the feeling of being stranded by mass transport strike.

Earlier today, the latest batch of mass transport strikes had just struck again and I can just imagine the hassle experienced by regular commuters. Although I have nothing against the people behind such display of democratic freedom of expression against the seemingly endless oil price hike, repulsion of the oil deregulation law and the “conspiracies behind it”, what comes to my mind is that how do these people earn a living if they are always on the streets protesting? Also, are these people yelling or joining protests really advocates of the cause? And don’t they know that burning effigies is actually bad for the environment? Just plain asking here, no offense meant… 😉

Are you Single?

In a society like the Philippines, there has been so much stigma with being single especially among women. Spinsters, old maids…God knows what terms people call those like me who chose to be non-committed to anyone. Worse, once you hit late 20’s, chances are you’d be the butt of jokes or talk by people who say that you’re age does not appear in the calendar anymore and be perennially asked, “When do you plan to get married?”.

As a single myself, my response was always, “I haven’t thought about it” or just smile at the person asking. Come to think about it, what makes people stick to single-blessedness for so long? Well, here are some of my most common observations:

Destiny freaks. Believe me, there are still people who are waiting for Mr./Ms. Right to come along in the right place and time as if they’re characters in their own romantic movie/fairy tale with happy-ever-after endings which is not always the case.

Workaholic junkies. These guys literally have their lives revolving around books, computer/office files, tight office schedules and basically spend days off sleeping, watching TV or doing the laundry in between home-cooked meals.

Little Miss/Mister Choosy. These guys have incredibly high non-negotiable standards for their Mr./Ms. Right that whoever Average Joe or Jane they meet will be immediately dismissed because of the reason: just not my type.

Approval addicts.  These people wouldn’t enter into relationships just because they fear that their future partners might not get the approval of their parents, relatives, friends or whoever in their community and get bad feedback.

Traumatic past. This is somewhat I’m guilty of and I bet there a lot of you folks out there whose previous relationship ended in a bad note, there’s this anxiety of getting into another one in fear that it might wind up into another heartbreak.

The Ex-factor. In short, these those who are still madly in love with their exes despite the fact that the relationship has been over for years already. Peeps, please move on.

Best friend material only. These people believe that their better off as friends with the opposite sex rather than becoming a partner in a romantic relationship. However, there are instances wherein these people are really that “torpe” to admit their true feelings and afraid of losing the friendship and trust that took them so long to forge.

Called to exist by their lonesome. Aside from priests and religious people who have committed to living the celibate life, there are ordinary folks who believe that God called them to be single for the sake of fulfilling more important tasks better.

Well, there are a lot of reasons in staying single either by choice or by chance but what matters really is how you make the most of that time that you are unattached because should you choose to get a partner soon, you won’t be able to experience that freedom that you are enjoying right now.